I'll send thee blood till the river stink:

Pray do, for the river's dry I think.

The frogs shall cling to the oven wall:

Better the frogs than nothing at all.

Lice shall flourish across the land:

Their weight will settle the choking sand.

Flies will come to corrupt thy wheat:

They're here already, it's us they eat.

Thy cattle will die from a vile murrain:

They died long ago with the herbs and grain.

I'll send thee boils to annoint thy face:

They'll perish for want of a parking space.

I'll send thee a hailstorm, thick and fast:

We'll thank Thee for it, and drink at last.

I'll send thee locusts to cover the trees:

Their wings will give us a welcome breeze.

Three days of darkness shall hide the land:

Eternal darkness is close at hand.

I'll kill thy firstborn at evenfall:

So Thou can'st be merciful after all.

The sum of all is, grieve no more:

Conspicimus non quis sed quid.

We'll strive to ease your suffering, for,

If God didn't screw you - someone did!

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